PPA

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." - Psalm 94:19

Sooo I never knew post partum anxiety was a thing. Did you? They screen and screen you for depression. I never struggled with that. I've been happy and excited to be a mom and haven't cried or felt particularly emotional.

But I felt scared. A lot. Worried about my health. Sure something bad was going to happen to me. I fought it pretty well at first. But about 6 months in, it started to get the best of me. One day I felt this weird shift in my head... I can't explain it, maybe it was a chemical shift or something, but suddenly my little worries turned into gripping, paralyzing fear. I started having weird physical symptoms and was sure there was something wrong with me. (Sometimes I still worry that there's something more, but 6 months later, things are still relatively the same, so I keep telling myself this is probably just brought on by the anxiety. It's hard to reason with yourself though.) I went from being the girl who was never home because I constantly had things going on to being afraid to leave my house, constantly obsessing and planning what I would do in this bad situation or that one.

I talk about it like I'm over it. I'm not. I'm struggling a lot today, and yesterday, and the day before. I probably will be tomorrow. Typing is difficult sometimes because my muscles get all tense. I have to go out in small increments. But I'm dealing with it. Fighting through it. I ran a half marathon despite the fears. I sang a solo in church (that about killed me!). I flew to Arkansas. I drove to Greensboro. It's amazing how these things have felt like such accomplishments the last few months.

I haven't talked about it a ton. I haven't wanted to label it. I wasn't (sometimes still am not) sure that it was just anxiety. What if there really is something bad going on? But it's what makes the most sense. And I want to get over it, get through it. I'm hoping weaning Samuel and switching back to a combo birth control pill will help, that it's hormone related and that I do have the ability to be normal again without going on some medication. Eric has been amazing in helping me deal with things and talking me through my symptoms/fears. I don't know what I would do without him!

I know everything happens for a reason. If you would have talked to me about anxiety a year ago, I would have said it was for weak people, that they need to just suck it up and get over it. I guess I needed a little humbling. I know now this isn't something you can really control. Hopefully I can get through it and be of help with others who struggle. For now, I'm just praying through it one day at a time!