PPA

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." - Psalm 94:19

Sooo I never knew post partum anxiety was a thing. Did you? They screen and screen you for depression. I never struggled with that. I've been happy and excited to be a mom and haven't cried or felt particularly emotional.

But I felt scared. A lot. Worried about my health. Sure something bad was going to happen to me. I fought it pretty well at first. But about 6 months in, it started to get the best of me. One day I felt this weird shift in my head... I can't explain it, maybe it was a chemical shift or something, but suddenly my little worries turned into gripping, paralyzing fear. I started having weird physical symptoms and was sure there was something wrong with me. (Sometimes I still worry that there's something more, but 6 months later, things are still relatively the same, so I keep telling myself this is probably just brought on by the anxiety. It's hard to reason with yourself though.) I went from being the girl who was never home because I constantly had things going on to being afraid to leave my house, constantly obsessing and planning what I would do in this bad situation or that one.

I talk about it like I'm over it. I'm not. I'm struggling a lot today, and yesterday, and the day before. I probably will be tomorrow. Typing is difficult sometimes because my muscles get all tense. I have to go out in small increments. But I'm dealing with it. Fighting through it. I ran a half marathon despite the fears. I sang a solo in church (that about killed me!). I flew to Arkansas. I drove to Greensboro. It's amazing how these things have felt like such accomplishments the last few months.

I haven't talked about it a ton. I haven't wanted to label it. I wasn't (sometimes still am not) sure that it was just anxiety. What if there really is something bad going on? But it's what makes the most sense. And I want to get over it, get through it. I'm hoping weaning Samuel and switching back to a combo birth control pill will help, that it's hormone related and that I do have the ability to be normal again without going on some medication. Eric has been amazing in helping me deal with things and talking me through my symptoms/fears. I don't know what I would do without him!

I know everything happens for a reason. If you would have talked to me about anxiety a year ago, I would have said it was for weak people, that they need to just suck it up and get over it. I guess I needed a little humbling. I know now this isn't something you can really control. Hopefully I can get through it and be of help with others who struggle. For now, I'm just praying through it one day at a time!

Clean Eating: Cheesy Chicken Soup

So I don't have a ton of time before S wakes up from nap, but I just had to put in a quick blurb about my dinner for tonight: a clean eating version of our favorite cheesy chicken soup!

Eric's mom gave me this recipe several years ago and it is SUPER delicious! Unfortunately, it calls for Velveeta as well as a few cans of cream of chicken soup, two things I've cut out of our diet over the last year or two.

Luckily, I figured out how to improvise. Instead of Velveeta, I used a block of cream cheese and a bag of shredded cheddar & pepper jack. The cream of chicken soup got swapped for a white sauce I use in a lot of recipes - a stick of melted butter, 6 tablespoons of flour, 1/2 c. of chicken broth and 1/2 c. of milk boiled for about 5 minutes.

Toss it in the crockpot with some shredded chicken, 2 c. broth, some corn (I used frozen, not canned) and some Rotel (okay, one canned item!) and some brown rice, and you have a scrumptious dinner! I taste tested a little bit ago, and, I have to say, it's pretty darn close to the real thing!

So here's to happy, cleaner eating! Woo hoo!

11 Months/Samuel's 1st Christmas

I can't believe this adorable little guy is almost 1!

Month 11 was pretty exciting! After learning to walk around Thanksgiving, Samuel finally gave up crawling about a week and a half before Christmas. It's so funny to watch him toddle around! He still falls on his bottom about 25 times a day, but he always gets right back up and rarely cries about it. 

He did give us a pretty good scare Christmas day. Eric was leaving for work and ran outside to warm his car up. Samuel RAN after him and fell down the stairs on our deck. He had a few nice bumps on his head and a busted lip to show for it, but luckily no real damage done. (He also got hit in the head with a toy at the Y the day after Christmas, so he was pretty black and blue there for a while)! We are DEFINITELY watching him a lot more closely now that we know how fast and sneaky he can be!

Anyway, Samuel's first Christmas was pretty fun, though he certainly had NO clue what was going on! Eric had to work nights over the holiday week. (side bar: I think it was the LONGEST week of nights EVER for both of us. Seriously, I didn't think it would ever end!) So Christmas morning, Eric got in around 7 and went to sleep while Samuel and I just hung out like any other day. After nap time, we went over to our friend Jib's house to bake cookies. Samuel had SO much fun playing with her dogs (and trying to sneak up her stairs!)!

We came home a little after 1 and Eric got up about the time I was putting Samuel down for afternoon nap. We had a small Christmas dinner of ham and corn casserole, then worked on putting together the little bike my grandparents sent.

I think S was pretty confused when we got him up from nap and there were tons of presents. He mainly just wanted to play with the wrapping paper. He warmed up to things eventually though.

It's funny that, despite our getting him relatively few presents, Samuel got more toys and books than we'll ever know what to do with! We're lucky to have so many sweet family members and friends who send things to our cute boy. Eric and I just got him a bouncy ball and some rubber blocks, then "santa" filled his stocking with new pacifiers and puffs and yogurt melts.... you know, all that good baby stuff! 

I know it's silly, but I think this was my favorite Christmas present: 

Samuel "made" it at preschool. I thought it was really sweet, though, because how often does someone give me a picture of my child that I haven't seen? Um, pretty much never! I admit it, I teared up a little. 

Now that Samuel is 11 months, I'm starting to (slowly) work towards weaning him. It's a little sad for me, but I know it needs to be done. He's definitely ready enough. The kid eats like a hoss. You should have seen him when Eric's family was here... We went out for almost every meal, and he would pretty much eat the whole time. Bread, chips, broccoli, chicken, steak (I gave him a little of my filet mignon at Firebirds one night. Spoiled kid! haha), sweet potato fries, muffins, tilapia, fruit, sandwiches. He pretty much got a little bit of what everyone else was eating. I can't believe he didn't gain 5 pounds that week! 

Anyway, I cut out his after-morning-nap feeding last week and replaced it with a sippy cup of milk that's about half of what he usually eats and then I'm giving him a snack then too. I'm going to wait an extra week and then probably cut out his post-afternoon-nap feeding. I'm hoping to start mixing his sippy cups with cows milk the next week and have him drinking a cup a day of that by his birthday. I don't have any specific plans on when to be done altogether, but I want to be down to two feedings sometime in February and then I can just figure the rest out from there. It's so crazy to be almost done nursing when it's pretty much governed my life for the last year!

What else do I need to remember about this age? Besides being a champion eater, Samuel's also a pretty good little sleeper. He had a rough night or two over the holidays, but that might be attributed to his new teeth (one on top, another on bottom) or the crazy amount of food he ate. 95% of the time he sleeps through the night and takes a good afternoon nap. Morning naps are still hit and miss, but I'm okay with that.

Oh, we did go have an extra check up last month to check his measurements (mainly to make sure his tiny little head is growing). Despite the fact that it seems his fontanel has closed a little early, he is still growing proportionally, so we don't have to do anything else. He was about 30" long (well, 29 3/4", but considering how wiggly he is, I"ll give him the quarter inch!) and 20 lbs 13 oz, almost a pound more than 5 weeks prior. I think my growth spurt theory was pretty accurate!

Baby boy has been much more cuddly the last few weeks for some reason. He's learned that if he reaches his arms up, we will pick him up. He likes that. A LOT. He's not great at being still, but he loves to climb all over us. He also gets really sad when someone leaves the room, which is pretty endearing (though frustrating at times).

His current favorite foods are blackberries, blueberries, and bananas. He's also pretty fond of cheese quesadillas. 

Other fun things: He gets pretty stoked about swinging at the park. He's obsessed with the Foot Book (like brings it to us to read multiple times a day!. And he love love loves to dance! 

I guess this is long enough, but I can't say enough about how much we love this sweet, crazy boy! He definitely brightens our world. :-) 

Visitors from afar...

So I'm behind, and there's definitely plenty of things to catch up on. But this quick post will be dedicated to our fun December full of visitors!

Since my parents have to spend Christmas at home now (my dad's church does a Christmas Eve service and he agreed when he became their pastor to spend the holidays there), my mom decided to come out for five days the week prior. It was super nice to have some extra company while Eric was working long hours! She brought Samuel loads of Christmas gifts, enough that he could open one or two every night. She and I also got to go have tea one morning while Samuel was at preschool. Super fun! Samuel LOVED having his Grammy there to play with him and give him attention. We were sad to see her go, but she and my dad will be coming back later this month for Samuel's birthday.

After spending Christmas as a family of 3, Eric's parents and sister drove out to spend five days with us over New Year's. Once again, Samuel had a blast (as did we!). He just ate up all the attention he got. Of course he got about a million more presents too -- his favorite of which was a plastic cup. Crazy kid! We shopped and ate a TON all week, and watched a good number of Cheers episodes too. We spent New Years Eve playing Phase 10 and eating way too many apps from Trader Joe's. We also spent a lot of time lounging around, but what's vacation for, right? 

Every single one of those presents was for Samuel. And that was after he opened a few!

(Eric's sister came too, btw, she just wasn't too up for holding a wiggly baby). 

Eric and I are so blessed to have such great families. I'm grateful that Samuel has such sweet, loving grandparents! It's hard to live so far away, but we are able to talk and see each other so much more than would have been possible even 10 or 15 years ago, and for that I am SO thankful!