Well, it happened. Yesterday I met someone who asked me what I did. I said I was a stay at home mom (that still sounds weird to me!!), and they gave me that look that says "Oh.. so you're not doing anything with your life" and followed it up with, "That's nice" and didn't say much to me after that. Lovely.
A few years ago, shortly after we moved to Winston-Salem, one of my sweet sweet co-workers at Wesleyan told me, "Christie, I hope you get the chance to stay at home with your kids. It's the best thing I ever did!"
I smiled politely. Kids were not on my agenda then, and I had gone without working for a couple of months and knew that I get bored out of my mind easily. VERY easily.
Staying at home was never something I pictured myself doing. I like working. I like learning. I like being busy. I like a mental challenge.
I struggle with this even now. I miss school and work (though not the job I had - just work in general). I used to think I would go back to school after Eric finished med school. I still want to do that, but now that he's a resident, I've realized we would still have to take out more loans for that to happen (because after 21 years of school and getting a doctorate, he gets paid ~$10/hr. Seems reasonable, right?). If I wait a few years, we should be able to just pay for it without accruing more debt.
I also know that I want more kids as long as God allows that to happen. SO I could go back to school now, but then what? I would get another degree and... have another baby.
Being a woman makes these decisions hard.
I am a seriously restless girl, more so than I can really explain (think adult ADD). Thankfully, though, I have a peace about this whole staying-at-home thing, despite the fact that it drives me a little crazy. I know that babies are only babies for so long. That becomes more apparent every day as I watch Samuel grow.
So every time I get bored or feel like an under-achiever for not having amassed a wall full of degrees and a job that requires me to work my hinie off 60 hours a week (which I would probably love in any other situation), I think about what I would miss: those sweet smiles, crazy squeals, fun milestones and snuggly nap times. Hopefully I'll have many, many more years to go back to school/work, but my baby won't be a baby forever. I just can't see myself at the end of my life looking back and wishing I would have traded time with him.
I still would like to find a part-time job sometime in the next few months if it's something that will work into our schedule. Leaving Samuel isn't the problem. I actually think it's good for us both have some apart-time (thus the reason we go to the gym every day!!) I just don't want work to consume my life to the point that he spends more time with someone else than with me. Does that make sense?
In the meantime, I'm trying to find projects and books to occupy my time, preferably things that challenge my thinking a bit. I've found some fun stuff to make on Pinterest, and read a lot of interesting articles about ways to help Samuel with sensory development activities, etc. I've also made a point to try and think of keeping up the house, having dinner ready, grocery shopping, etc., as my job. It may be menial, but it's still work, and it definitely makes for a happier home when there is food to eat and plates to eat it on! Haha. (We'll see if I can keep that up once Samuel starts eating real food, crawling, etc. I'm sure I won't be nearly as bored then!)
One interesting thing I've found is that MIT offers a lot of their courses via video online for FREE (Check it out here). I've only gotten to watch one lecture so far, but I think that's a really fun way to refresh my memory on topics I'm already familiar with and maybe even expand into new, less familiar areas. (Am I a total nerd that I want to watch finance classes online?)
I'm attempting to read more too. Granted, reading often gets interrupted. But now that nap times are pretty established, I think I should be able to get in a solid 30-45 minutes post-chores in the mornings if I make a point to do it... and if I don't fall asleep. :-)
And, of course, I'm visiting with people and getting out as much as possible. I'm really really bad at just staying at home.
If anyone has any other suggestions on ways to stay active as a stay-at-home mom, I'm all ears!
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