My Epiphany

So I had a bit of an epiphany at Bible study this morning.

Our session this week was about our ministry/spiritual gifts and how we can best glorify God using who we are/what He gave us. Like pretty much every believer who has spent any amount of time in church, I've heard this for basically my whole life. You were given gifts and talents and you need to to use them in the right way.

So one of the things that I've always been good at, one of my natural, God-given talents, is singing. There are plenty of people better than me to be sure, but I can carry a tune and have been pretty successful in choir/voice/performance competitions throughout the years. So, of course, I started singing in church at a young age and went on to lead worship in college and be involved with our worship team here.

The thing is, I've never liked getting in front of people to sing. Even long before my anxiety issues surfaced, I felt more than just a little nervous in front of crowds. I've never felt particularly worshipful in those leadership situations, and, frankly, I've most often taken on those roles because I felt I should. It was my gift and I was supposed to use it, right? And I have always just assumed that the problem was probably with me not walking closely enough with God and that I would eventually grow out of the discomfort as I grew in Him.

But today we discussed how to know what our ministry is/should be. In Beth Moore's "Children of the Day" study of 1 Thessalonians, she points out that "What do you look like when you love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength?... What is your passion? What are you bursting to do when your heart is flooded with divine affection? That's very likely the stream of your calling....You're supposed to look like the version of you that loves Jesus with every particle. That's the real you."

And I realized - When I'm walking closest with God, I may want to sing and sing loud - but I don't think any part of me has ever wanted to get up in front of people and lead them in singing with me. Ever.

And maybe that's okay.

When I'm overflowing with love, I want to talk to people one on one, to get to know them, to connect. I want to serve others, to make them feel apart, to make meals or clean bathrooms or serve food to the homeless.

That's who I am, who I'm supposed to be.

I've spent my whole life trying to fit this mold because that's what I was obviously supposed to do. I've felt SO guilty the last several months because I really should be singing with the worship team, but with Eric's schedule and my sinus issues and anxiety, I haven't been able to. Something about it never felt quite right anyway, like I was always trying to force it. I guess that's because I was.

So I'm giving myself freedom - Freedom to not be tied to leading worship anymore. To not feel obligated to use that gift in the way everyone else thinks I should. To further embrace things I truly feel passionate about and to worship without guilt of what I "should" be doing. I love to sing, and plan to continue to do so. It will not go unused, but can only be enhanced because I can finally freely worship without self-condemnation.

Maybe I will lead again one day, I don't know. Maybe that's something God has for me down the line. For now, though, I'm embracing the liberty to worship freely and to pursue ministries where I feel like I can truly bloom. And I'm looking forward to seeing what that looks like.

"We always pray for you that our God... will, by His power, fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith." - 2 Thess. 1:11