Date Nights!

Eric has been on an elective month for the last few weeks. It's been really really really nice.

I don't think the general public understands how rare it is for resident families to get to see each other for more than a couple of hours a time. Or to get to have lunch together (or sometimes dinner for that matter). Or to go places in the same car. I kind of forget that normal people do those things.

Well, this month has spoiled us for sure. Since he basically gets to choose what he does, Eric's been mixing it up by:

1) Following a private practice nephrologist (kidney doctor) around and talking with him about what life is like post-residency. (News flash: it's sweeeeeet!). 

2) Working on a research paper with one of the medical students and attendings.

3) Working in his own clinic a few days a week (the free clinic downtown - all the medicine residents have to put in a few days a month). 

4) Going to various academic lectures etc. and getting free lunches while he's there. Nice.

That seems like a lot, but it's translated to a lot of not going into work until 9 (like normal people I guess??) and being home by 4/5/6 at the latest. And only having to work 1 weekend out of 4. (Once again, this may not seem that great, but after a month in the ICU with 90-100 hour weeks, it's gold.)

So we've been taking advantage and have basically gone on 4 dates in the last week. That's right, 4. It's not that fiscally responsible, but I don't even care right now. :-) 

1. I found a groupon for a local driving range/putt putt place. We've been wanting to work on our (non-existent) golfing skills, so we got a babysitter and took off for a couple of hours last Saturday afternoon. As expected, Eric's not too shabby. I'm terrible. Like miss-the-ball-40% of the time-terrible. But it was fun. :-) 

I'm terrible about taking pictures of the two of us, so this is all we have!

2. One of the perks of being a resident is that the department puts on dinners twice a week from November through January for incoming interviewees to meet with current residents/ask questions etc. They're usually at fairly swanky places and they need at least a few spouses to tag along too. So Monday night we left Samuel with a friend and took off downtown to a fancy restaurant we would probably never actually spend the money to go to, all expenses paid. Granted, we had to chit chat with people we didn't know all night. But we got to dress up and act all swanky and I had the best chicken I've had in forever, so I can't really complain. It was definitely date-esque. And hopefully we'll get to do this two or three more times in the next couple of months. :-D

3. This is probably the least romantic thing ever, but Samuel had preschool yesterday so Eric took the morning off and we went to the dentist for the first time in forever and got our teeth cleaned. Then, since we'd already arranged for Samuel to stay late in case our appointments ran long, we went and enjoyed a nice leisurely lunch at Panera. Just us, eating soup and sandwiches on a cold day, cuddling in a corner booth. Perfection (the soup and cuddling, not the dentist part). 

4. Our YMCA offers a Parents Night Out a couple of times a month on the cheap (like, less than half as much as a babysitter). Since Samuel LOVES the Y, we arranged a few weeks ago for him to try it out tonight. He had a blast, and we got 4 hours of us time, which we spent running a few errands, trying a new restaurant, doing some Christmas shopping (aka playing with the toys at Target) and filling our Operation Christmas Child shoebox, and then heading back to Panera for yummy hot chocolates with caramel sauce. In the big mugs, because we weren't in a hurry to get away, <3 nbsp="">

Seriously, these things are soooo good!

Anyway, needless to say, it's been amazing. It's back to reality and long workdays/weeks/random night shifts etc. on Thursday. But this month - it's been just lovely. <3 comment-3--="" nbsp="">

The Work/Home Dichotomy and Why Being a Woman Kind of Sucks.

Let me preface this by saying that I love my life now. I love staying at home with Samuel and being there for all of his crazy antics and teaching him things and hugging and kissing him when he falls down and all those good things.
I love keeping an extra little baby.
I love that I have time to work out and (sometimes) clean my house and catch up with friends and fold laundry and maybe catch a House Hunters during nap time.
Seriously, I'm one lucky lucky chica. Really, I am.

Unfortunately, there's the other part of me. The part of me that skipped 4th grade and became a national merit scholar and graduated valedictorian with a bajillion and one scholarship offers. The part of me that worked really hard and graduated summa cum laude and got named student of the year by two different departments.

Then there was the part of me that moved 1000 miles away and had a terrible time networking. There's the idealist part of me that turned down perfectly wonderful jobs that would have made us really good money because I wanted to do something that made a difference in the lives of others. The part of me that, instead, worked in a thankless job that was way below my skill level for 2 1/2 years while my husband was in medical school (though I did occasionally feel like I got to make a contribution to society, which was the whole purpose of taking that job in the first place) because I knew eventually I would get to go back to school and really figure things out.

And I knew this entire time I wanted to have children, though I never really worked that into the puzzle when I was planning my life out as a newlywed. I didn't know I wanted to stay at home, but I'm glad that I am.

But at least once a month I start to wonder... what about when I'm done? Babies don't stay babies forever.

I still want to go back to school. I still want to have a career. I want to believe that that intelligent, driven woman is still lurking back there somewhere. That she's still capable of learning and applying complicated concepts and giving new insights into problems that really affect people.

But sometimes I get scared. What if mommying fries my brain? I mean, I make sure I read a lot and try to stay semi-up-to-date on things and I have been working really hard to find some creative outlets etc. It's not like I'm not doing anything.

Still, it's not the same as being in the scholastic/work world. What if, at 35, I finally decide to go back and find that I just don't have it anymore? What if I can't cut it? What if - because, hey! my child(ren) might go to school, but they'll still be around! - I don't want to cut it because I still don't want/need to sacrifice that time that I could/should be giving to my family? I definitely know myself well enough to know that I will want to go ALL IN. What if I just can't do that and balance a family?

I know lots of women work and have kids. It's not a bad thing. But at this point in my life, with a husband who often works 80+ hours a week, I have a hard time seeing beyond that.

Maybe I won't ever go back. I mean, ultimately, that's okay. As long as I'm doing what I feel God has called me to do - and right now, I am - then I can just take it one step at a time. But if I'm not supposed to do more, why do I still have this desire to?

Sure, I feel sad sometimes when I hang out with some of our female doctor friends. I know that was a path I could have gone down and chose not to. I also know that they will eventually face the same dilemma I'm in only from a much different perspective. How many female doctors have I known/heard of who quit entirely to stay at home? It happens pretty often.

I guess ultimately I should be grateful that things have worked out like they have. I didn't take a prestigious job that would be difficult to quit and I put off school because Eric was already accruing enough student loans for both of us. I went ahead and had a baby at 25 and now, instead of having a lucrative career that I had to put on hold to stay at home with my children, I can do it without any qualms about what else I should be doing.

It's really the best thing, and I'm grateful for the way things have gone. I still often wonder what will be, though.

Once again, don't get me wrong. I love my life now. But these two lives I really want - they're two that I don't know can ever really coexist. Maybe when I'm 60.

Anyway, there are  the rambling thoughts of an overly tired mother who should have gone to bed an hour ago. Congratulations if you made it this far. ;-)